Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
