Jerry, you need to find god
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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