just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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