totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
