tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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