my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
