The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
It's not a walk of shame if you run
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
