i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
