Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Randomize
