They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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