I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
