This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
