shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Randomize