You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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