i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize
