Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
