I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
