dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
