Porn is love you can see.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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