Whats the glycemic index on semen?
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
