my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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