apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
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