You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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