So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
