I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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