I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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