We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
