So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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