she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
