When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
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