I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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