At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
