so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
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