Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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