drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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