and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
