Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
