this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
