I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Randomize
