just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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