that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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