I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
