I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
