benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
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You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
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you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.