At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.