I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.