This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate