You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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