White coat. Heels.
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
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