saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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