is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
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