How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
