"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
