i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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