His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
