Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Randomize
