its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
