i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
