weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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